The truth suns

Once again, I am setting my intentions for a strong start to the week at a Sunday afternoon and once again I am getting hit by complicated sources of negative emotional states from the people I cannot choose. After having a nice swimming lesson with a strong finish, I am getting prepared for a bit of cleanup in my house. I am cleaning my desk to start the week with a clean focus. I am grouping the documents that I need to group, I am hoping to preserve my energy. I am feeling optimistic for the possibilities of what this week might bring towards me. And all this hope is lasting only few hours. Once again, I am finding myself with tears watching a video from two decades back, sent to me by different people. I am filling with hatred, a sudden burst of traumatic experiences from my past.

I am trying to remain calm but I can hear my voice and it's sinking. I am feeling so many complicated emotions at the same time that it's exhausting me. I want to stay calm and just talk through it but not helping much. After getting through the calls, I am just letting it go. But I am feeling lonely. I am feeling like the voyager ship at the edges of the solar system. I am starting my journey from my home, from my folks. I am orbiting my earth for many years without being able to escape from its gravitational force. I want to escape but I keep finding myself orbiting it. Some days it feels like I am going to burn myself in the atmospheric layers of them. Some days it feels freezing cold at the edge of the outer space.

After many years of experience, due to many reasons I am finding that gravitational escape energy. And I am starting my journey to the depth of the space. In the first part of my journey, there are many folks, like the satellites around this earth. However the more I go beyond layers of circles, they detach one by one for various of reasons. Some of them are diverging themselves and others I am just moving past. Every once in a while, I am looking back, missing orbiting that earth. And then I am turning my head back into the dark black colour of nothingness laying beyond me. I am not comprehending why I just couldn't stay there yet I know deep down in my heart that I am a voyager in my existence.

I really wanted to write this week's post with a different mood. However, this week I barely survived. And this is okay too. I wanted to push hard and start a strong week with my running workout on Monday. However it just took one more day to fall down. I learnt the importance of kindness, being nice to one another because this week I missed that so much. When I am in these harsh climates of this deep space, I look to myself and see what I got. I see only two things, my momentum that's pushing me with a velocity and my few instruments. Sometimes my journey intersects with some space residue, we go past each other and they cut few scratches from me. Then I heal by just letting it go. Other times I orbit other planets from distant and see if it's habitable.

Then I am hitting the pool hoping to transform this all negativity that I had to consume because of the dark places I am going through this week. I am having one of those boring workouts. I know I need them to keep my momentum but I am just so exhausted. Then I am reaching to the captain Wednesday. Just before getting mentally prepared for the next swimming workout, I am just falling down again. I am just not able to go today, I am saying to myself and sleeping through the night. One more day, I am missing the peace and kind climates in this part of the space. It's just freezing cold, hurting too much and I feel like I am trapped even though I know I am perhaps moving through the space with thousands of kilometers of speed per hour. I just can't see any point of reference to convince me that this will too pass but I just believe it.

After two weeks of harsh climates, negativity, waves of past incoming to my heart I am just looking forward to the weekend. I am just hoping to see a sun that can heat my panels. I am trusting my fate and telling to myself, I am exactly at the point where I am supposed to be. All this journey beyond the solar system, planets and all those things I have been through, I know that I also saw truth suns ocassionaly. I also found rare but amazing sources of light that generates lots of love, compassion and mercy for me.  I know that if it's meant to be, out of a sudden, a distant light spectrum can dazzle my eyes. That is bringing meaning to my voyage. I know that I may or may not be able to see those truth suns. However I just know I have to keep going. Because I am alone in the middle of intergalactic space with the instruments I was able to build through the journey. There is no help coming from anywhere and I have to keep practising my regular workouts, keep a good intention and hope for the best. Because that's all I can do.

"Do not disturb yourself by picturing your life as a whole; do not assemble in your mind the many and varied troubles which have come to you in the past and will come again in the future, but ask yourself with regard to every present difficulty: 'What is there in this that is unbearable and beyond endurance?'"
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations VII:XXXVI