Lonely little petunia

After an intense running workout, I'm starting the week on the lower end. Feeling lots of feedback from various parts of my body; I start to listen to them and react carefully. I'm feeling the need of more stability drills in my exercise routine. I'm missing the times when I was performing just adequate workouts throughout the week, not too much and not too little. When I find myself going to a workout without a strong intention and motivation, I know that it's going to be a difficult one. And this running workout is making me feel the same as I loop through the lane four of the running pad.

It's amazing to keep that workout frequency high. However when I see that I am rushing into a totally new schedule and routine, I get a signal to slow down and check how I am doing again. When I receive strong feedback from arms, hips and knees I know it's time to invest into mobility and stability drills. I'll be able to follow a new workout program later on, but if I keep pushing my limits while getting these feedback; I know that I am at the risk region.

With these thoughts, I'm completing an intense cycling tour and coming home feeling satisfied. It feels alive, it feels like me. I love those sunset rides in late summer evenings. I love how two hours of cycling tour can transform many layered thoughts or emotional fluctuations of mine.

I'm returning back home, to Amsterdam with lots of fatigue, exhaustion and disappointment on a depressing June evening. While I'm trying to process all the things I witnessed couple of weeks back, an impulsive comment is making me lose it. I'm realizing that I lost my patience for the first time since the past four months. I'm expecting some understanding from this people but that's only giving me more disappointment. They don't understand how weak I am feeling after everything happened. They simply don't see me through that I am still trying to recover from various illnesses.

I'm returning back home with just one thing on my mind, going back to my basics. To my workout routine, to the small things in my life and to my rituals. I'm seeing myself at the point where I'm just letting everything go. It feels so nice to not care of most of what's happening around me. Though, I'm finding it somewhat bittersweet to reach to this state by the hard way. Then this stranger from a year back is entering my life again. I like to keep the doors open. So that people can come and go. But I'm feeling internally that I don't belong here from the very first sight.

I like that feeling when I turn my upper body to left as I push my arms forward with a high elbow catch in the water. That feels just right. It pushes me forward, it gives a good momentum for the next stroke. It doesn't feel forced. It's everything how it's supposed to be. I'm feeling light and can feel my body is lying on the surface. I really like this natural feelings when things just hit it smoothly. But when things are forced or when they don't feel right; I usually interrupt early. This time I didn't.

As I started swimming in the waters of this stranger, I experienced lots of waves; sometimes meters high - making me swallow lots of water and other times too indeterminable which was draining everything I had left. There were calm moments with serenity where I could just lay on my back and watch the sky. However the loops we kept spiralling in were way too demanding from one another. I simply couldn't determine where I was supposed to stand in all of this. It was like the surface of the Mars. During the day it was heated with deadly temperatures and through the night it was on the opposite side of the spectrum. All of these fluctuations were not helping me regain my wellbeing. And the number of workouts I've been training and doing despite these tough waters were not able to balance it, after all.

When I started voyaging on the road, climbing mountains, facing strong winds; I learnt few things that showed me how one person can understand me deeply. I realized that all the things that were said before the voyage didn't matter on the road. I realized that once you're on the road you just needed to change. Sometimes you had to change your clothing, your perspective or your equipment. Once you reach that safe voyage relationship; you don't need any promises or pacts either. Small acts, careful and thoughtful behaviours can share what thousand promises cannot transmit. And ever since I started voyaging, changing has become a weekly routine for me. Seasons passed, people came and left, my moods, perspectives changed and one thing that remained same was how I realized things and how I set my intentions to change one more time. Because I didn't want to stop, I just wanted to go further. I wanted to discover darker shades of my soul as the road brings more challenges.

Even though I welcomed this stranger to my voyage with all the nutrition, equipment and vehicles I had left; unfortunately she wasn't able to commit to that change mindset. She was already happy where she was standing and she didn't have intentions to discover with me whatever this road might bring. That was okay. However I knew that I was going to feel the need to train harder; to leave the relationships which I think I don't belong, earlier. I knew that I had lots of emotions and emotional states to unpack and process. I didn't have much endurance but I knew that I was going to hit the pedal one more time, push my stroke to water one more time and take my step to front one more time.

"I'm a lonely little petunia in an onion patch."