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In between these kind of weeks, when I don't have access to the exercising or I am simply skipping a therapy session because of some reason, I realize I am still able to have access to the neutral perspectives. I am feeling grateful for this. After many years of living with difficult perspectives towards the life and everything, I find it truly amazing that I can just keep it going somehow. One thing that I am refraining myself from is to get some sort of an addiction or something that covers up for the things that are underneath. The state I am striving for is the state where I feel awake and relaxed without being under the influence of any kind of addictive or artificial substance, including coffee some weeks. I am finding more gratitude when I realize that I passed through maybe the hardest parts of my life so far, without using any mental medication. I just coped with what I had to embrace, with just triathlon and therapy.

When I build an attachment, I usually attach anxiously. Naturally, I also attached to the triathlon with an anxiety on my mind that what if I cannot workout in the long run. What if, for some reason I cannot exercise as regular as I am doing now, at the best years of my life. That kind of questions were rushing through my mind at the first months of my triathlon trainings. I was fearing that, when I don't exercise regularly I was keeping a more depressive and pessimist mindset. And this was causing many different issues for me small and big, here and there. I was so happy with the journey that I went into, in the summer of 2020, without knowing anything about this new path. After going through dozens of seasons, exercising with more than fifty people, instructor or team mates, completing thousands of workouts, now I am looking back and feeling grateful for this journey which brought me clarity and strength that I needed in my life.

I am still feeling mentally weak on various topics. However, I know that with time, I will have chances to sharpen my mind and reach to those neutral perspectives as my default mindset. Nowadays, I feel like I transformed that anxiety of losing access to sports into something more different. I questioned why I am exercising this much for months. I seeked an answer to the questions of why I put triathlon at the center of my life and why I am keeping practising these without any race or contest on the horizon. After questioning the existence of these sports in my life with many different people, talking to them about it I came to the point that I shouldn't use triathlon to over compensate for things that I fear of confronting. Nor should I do it at a level that is not sustainable. When it starts to consume more than it produces recreationally, then I need to rethink the balance one more time.

I am going to gym after a tiring day at work, after months. I feel that this is going to be painful. I am stepping into the treadmill and starting a core activation run. I am already finding it challenging to run indoors on this hot day. I hate running when it is hot. I like those rainy, cloudy and cold days for going out to a strong run. So that I can put all my endurance forward and feel understood. As if all my inner world materialises via this kind of a brutal run. But not today apparently, I am telling to myself and then going through a full body workout. However, it is hurting so badly for the next few days that I am feeling the recovery of my muscles at every single second, even during my sleep. I shouldn't skip the gym for this long again, I am telling to myself. And seeing the importance of a balanced sports schedule, the hard way, one more time.

The next day, I am entering the pool on a late Friday afternoon. Mentally I am feeling good but physically I am feeling that I won't be able to push harder. And I am finishing the swim earlier than usual. At every stroke, I am feeling the muscle pain from the day before and the cold water is making me feel unpleasant once more. I am taking it easy and telling myself, that's for today and that's okay. I showed up, tried my best and that's enough. Trying to switch to that grateful mindset from the over judgemental one. Then having a nice dinner with a friend at the part of the city where I feel content. After enjoying tapas and few Aperols by the water, I feel really good and excited about the plans we made with my friend for an upcoming trip. Then I am starting to prepare mentally for the bike ride the next day, again on a very hot day, through a yoga exercise.

Pushing really hard on the bike with a group of people, through a some hundred-ish kilometer bike ride, I feel like I am dehydrated as if I have been on a dessert for days. When I am riding with new people that I don't know their riding style and especially when we go through many cities and gravel, I feel like we need to really be aware and be cautious. And that is also consuming a lot of energy. After finishing the ride safe and sound, we feel happy about it with the group and exchanging few laughter at the clubhouse. The next day, I am going to that swimming pool from years back. After hearing the news that the outdoor fifty meter pool is reopened, I already feel excited about that swim and hitting the water on a warm day. I feel really good about the temperature of the water. Both the water and air feels like twenty three-twenty four degrees. I am thinking that when I swim here last time, I had such a different swimming technique, years back. And feeling grateful for all the years past with many swim workouts. After going through a good swim in the empty pool, I know what's left to do, a brick for a run. That's how I am completing the full circle of my sports routine over the course of four days. Then I am seeing that sentence which is making me feel motivated for the upcoming week.

"You see, doing one thing differently is very often the same as doing everything differently."
— Matt Haig