Reliant perspectives

I'm taking my glass off and taking a look at the mirror. My eyes look horrible with red lines. I'm inhaling deeply and thinking that it's time to replace my goggles again. That was a tough swim I'm thinking to myself. Counting the laps dozens of times, motivating myself to push through to hit that 3k mark. Catching my breath every other lap and I'm telling myself that I've done this before. I can do it again. I'm still feeling tired from the run the day before. I'm trying to focus on my technique at every stroke but I can feel that this is a difficult workout already. I am accepting that I am in deep waters already. It's too late to go back. Only thing I can do is, remember the basics and focus on my technique.

I'm starting the next day on the deep end. Having brief thoughts of stopping all this exercise routine. I just cannot take it, I am thinking silently. This all feels like too much. Then I remember the feeling of missing the pool or going for a run. When was the last time I had that feeling, I am thinking to myself. I miss a good run with a soaking rain. But I feel drained and empty. It's weighing me down and challenging what's left of my energy.

The next day I am surfing through similar feelings and contacting a therapist to ask for an appointment. She's telling me that she's already fully booked for the week. She mentioned that she had two hours of availability earlier though, I am thinking to myself. Whatever it's worth, it's giving me some anxiety. I am thinking whether I should contact my old therapist again. Questioning few more things and then I am reminding myself this uncertainty is also part of the journey. If I am going to embark a new journey with this new therapist, they also need to want to work and walk together with me. If they simply not choose, it's not meant to be I am thinking to myself. After all these brief moment of anxiety attacks, she's telling me that she'll contact me for the first session next week.

That's alright, I am thinking to myself. Taking a deep breath again and preparing for the run. I am taking a deep breath in again and thinking that it is all going to be alright. I will figure it out. Because I have changed I am thinking to myself. I am capable and I have all the tools that are available to me. Only thing I need to do is, stop, think and stay calm. Then I am willing to catch the rainy weather during my run. I am tying my shoes and stepping out. Oh man, it stopped raining I am thinking to myself and I am grieving. I am starting the run, trying to push the pace the workout schedule says. And the drizzling rain drops at the last kilometer. It's getting faster and I am feeling lighter. This is it, I am thinking to myself. My tears, sweat and the rain are getting mixed and I am just letting it all go.

One thing that is giving me the confidence that I will get through this is, I have gone through hundreds of Tuesdays, I am thinking to myself. It all felt real at the time and I learnt to stop, think about how I felt, acknowledge it and move on. Yeah it took hundreds of repetations but I am just a bit slow learner. But I am stubborn. As long as I believe in it, I just keep going. And that's how I am getting through this Tuesday too. The next day I am swapping the swimming workout with the bike workout and feeling my mental limits with this two hour long workout. Cycling on the trainer becomes very painful and I am feeling the need to give few pauses in between to refill my bottle. On the next bike workout on the next day, I am feeling more confident and going up and down through really challenging intervals.

In all aspects, it's been a tough week I am thinking to myself. At work, at home, at heart I am going through changes and I am feeling the excitement of unceratinty. I am following my feelings for the first time with this much courage. At one hand I am feeling this is going to probably hurt a lot in the end. On the other hand I am thinking that if it hurts we hurt and we heal. I am finding myself stating that I am exactly where I want to be.

I am in a transition phase, moving from unstructured workout schedule to a structured workout schedule for the past two months. I am in a transition phase, moving from a narrow ownership area to a wider ownership area with lots more responsibilities by leaving my comfort zone. I am in a transition phase, that I am taking risks to follow my heart while knowing that I will confront the consequences of all that.

Instead of focusing on the end realm, I am focusing on the journey. This week and its contents have burned me from within, but all those feelings are real and they were mine. I respected them and I felt them. I confronted them with courage and I chose to change this time. My train might be approaching the station with a delay at this time, but I am used that from my childhood spending nights waiting the train in a cold waiting room.

Every time I am making that under water dive, my fears get materalized. I feel like I am already breathless even after few seconds. Number of things that I feel like I need to change in order to be comfortable with the ongoing uncertainties looks striking. But that's why I am voyaging, I am thinking to myself.