Recurrent sensations

I am starting this Wednesday's bike ride with mixed feelings. While preparing my bike for the ride, I am thinking that, these bad dreams I've been having lately; are having an emotional impact on me. They all end up me raging with anger against some people I am having problems with. Level of hatred I am feeling in these dreams is exhausting my energy in the end. This theme that is ongoing for a while is making me anxious but then I am thinking maybe this is how I process some things.

I'm feeling a little lost at this Captain Wednesday cardio. The weather feels almost optimal but I am feeling drained. I'm enjoying the beautiful view of the river as I cycle through this village with some two other cyclists that I ran into on the way. Then I am going to my happy place in the shadows of these beautiful houses. The road looks so pretty, these shadows offer such serenity. I'm at that barbershop in the city I was born in and it's a Saturday afternoon around 16 hours. It's a sunny day and I don't have anything on my mind. I am just looking at the blue sky in front of the barbershop. I am hearing some pop music from the small 37'' TV in the background from the shop accompanied with a nice smell of cologne. I feel liberated, even though I am feeling lonely. I feel happy even though I have no one around to share this with. Then I think I am starting to live that feeling just inside me.

Then I remember my first day at Amsterdam, cycling through the city - probably in many loops, dehydrated. I feel like I am at that happy place in this new town. It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon. People are sailing with their loved ones in the canals, then I enter a street to hear kids playing football and other games and yelling at each other. People walking their pets, it's not too cold, not too warm. Just lagom. I am feeling happy with that sunset thinking that I want to live in this city. I am feeling liberated with these blue skies even though I don't have anyone to share that feeling with at that moment. And I'm finding my inner peace at those shadows of the late Saturday afternoon, on a blue sky with a little bit of sorrow on that early September day.

I'm finding myself thinking about the things I realized maybe one year back on a challenging August weekend. I feel like if I would go back in time for a year or year and a half; I would feel much calmer and stable. It seems as if I have seen this kind of intense feelings before. I endured through these kinds of depressive days alone before. I am finding it difficult to understand how come I can feel those depressive days all over again, because I had walked past by those lands already.

Most of the days, I am even failing to forecast myself. I feel like I am calm and as I start thinking lots of anger comes to surface. I become more rigid and enforcing my boundaries in every single relationship I am having. I become assertive and start holding people accountable for their behaviors. At first this looks like refreshing and it's having a pain killer kind of soothing effect on my feelings. However as I reflect more and more it's once more becoming clearer to me that the more I keep myself busy with outside; the more it will be difficult to acknowledge what's happening inside. Once again I come to that same conclusion that all of these are consuming a very significant energy. Even though having boundaries is healthy when it's done balanced; first I need to go back inside.

Unfortunately I am finding it difficult to confront my internals during these fluctuations. Days go by, I reflect more and try to focus on the next workout and train mentally and physically. I know that this season and all its contents are too are temporary. Even though they make me feel that they have the utmost importance; they simply don't. I am remembering once more that I shouldn't take every single feeling I have as a data point and act on them impulsively. I feel like I am training the music sheet one more time to build that muscle memory. Though I am getting lost in this dimension because on a music sheet I am simply able to see what's the truth - what's the note and how long that note exists. But in this dimension, the truth is changing every day and at every context. And I am feeling the need to calmly think through every single event.

After many hours of firefighting experience I am getting to know that mitigation is always the first step but I am not able to mitigate all these feelings. I want to reset my perspectives to neutral ones but I am not able to do that. At days, it's feeling like I am not able to put off all the fires that are burning. After using up all my immediate energy, I am beginning to accept this fire. If this is the situation I am in right now, if I need more energy to stay calm so that I could explore the perspectives I have at my disposal; I need to accept this situation. And that's having only one meaning, burning with that fire within until it's cooled off.

As I am going through lots of structural changes and many new infrastructure investments, I am patiently waiting for that next fall. I feel disappointed with myself, as if I fail a course that I am taking for the second time. This time I am realizing that; before the realizations I have can blend into my character and behaviours; there has to be some repetations made by brewing these realizations with many different occasions. I need to keep practicing these difficult emotions and continue shaping how I perceive and think. Because I believe that when I face mountains that I cannot change, I need to change myself patiently.

"Change your name, can you? Feel the same, can you?"