Poles asunder

Sitting on the yoga mat, in an attempt to reflect and reset the tension I have been carrying over the past week and the weekend. Doing consecutive brick workouts, combining swim with bike and run over the previous week, I feel like I have long postponed this mobility and stretch practice. After working out at the limits of my physical limits, I am realizing that hamstring and calf tension. Finding it difficult to keep a regular breathing while trying to loosen it. It feels like this practice is just reflecting the intensity of those past workouts combined, back to me.

Then I am heading to the pool and jumping to the water. I am feeling good about this workout because of how I am able to complete my regular swim workout distance, with just regular swim shorts, without any pull buoy or buoyancy shorts. Even in the indoor pool, I was finding it difficult to swim nonstop 200 meters few weeks earlier. Even though I am stopping in between laps to drop my pulsation below 120 beats per minute, it is taking around 15-20 seconds. Also, being in the open pool is not allowing me stop for longer periods of time.

On the next day, I am practising with the swim club and I am thinking to myself this is going to hurt a lot. It's the same pool, similar weather conditions - however I am getting afraid of swimming with people who are in better condition than I am. I feel like when I am alone and with my own pace, I am showing great pace results. But when there are more people I feel like they are pushing me harder. On the other hand, I am getting really anxious about the pauses when the instructor explains the drills but she's already keeping it quick and clear. In the end I am somehow managing to complete around 40 minutes of swim outdoors and feeling really grateful of my progress.

When I am heading to the pool the next day, I am thinking about when was the last time I skipped a day for recovery in the past weeks. I am really getting into a swimming momentum, I am telling to myself, which is good I am supposing. But on the other hand, I really like that feeling of missing swimming and getting my heartbeat up when I am leaving home and commuting to the pool with that excitement. Though, this new momentum is becoming my new standard. Everyday, pushing for half an hour swimming. Same duration, same distance but with better technique, lesser artificial help and colder waters.

That night, before I go to sleep, I am already thinking about the session in the morning. I am thinking it would be amazing if I could wake up for the morning session. But then realizing if I also don't get enough sleep, than I will deprive myself. Then I am sleeping through the morning session and starting getting ready for the evening session mentally. I am trying to prepare myself for the cold water and telling myself, if I don't stop I can keep it going and it would be just twenty-twenty five minutes, in and out. I just need to control my breathing and keep my heart rate low, I am telling to myself. Then I am heading to the water with that mindset, trying to beat my distance.

I am pushing myself out the water at the precise one kilometer mark with frustration. How cold can a water be, I am thinking to myself. I am shaking for at least five minutes, getting my tower around my body and watching people swimming with ease. What kind of a rabbit hole, is this sport, I am thinking to myself. Looking so easy but then it comes with dozens and dozens of layers of complexity, technique, details and mental endurance, I am thinking about. Then I am telling to myself, it was a workout, we pushed through it, we completed it and that's about it, no need to overthink, no need to compare yourself with anyone. We are getting better and we are on our way, I am thinking to myself.

I will never buy 7am plane tickets again, I am telling to myself while trying to finish my house chores and prepare for the trip. I am realising how grumpy I become the night before the travels more than ever. I feel like I need to make a scene with someone or something just to get these complex emotions out. Then I am realizing this 30L bag is all I've got. This time we are going really lean, I am telling myself. I am packing the most essential items, swim shorts, caps and glasses. Then I am putting three books, hoping that I'd be able to read them with an incomplete task that I still need to do the next day related to work, I am thinking to myself.

Then I am putting my first stroke in and not believing myself. I am swimming alone, in Mediterranean, with some cold and warm water currents, in the open water. I am just focusing on the technique and even getting out the shore for 50meters to make laps parallel to the shore. What a journey, I am thinking to myself. Sun is shining, I am feeling the water is lifting my body, I am trying to exhale the salty water getting in my mouth and breathing out. Then I am seeing something in the water and my heart is racing up. Then I am laying on my back, telling myself that I am safe, just breathe. I am switching strokes, calming down and swimming with one more breath.

Then I am thinking about that question that my therapist asked a while back, what is it that is making me feel that I am wronged. Why do I feel there is something that is injust about my life, what is it and who has done this injust. Is it something I am inheriting or is it something I am making up unnecessarily. Then I am seeing that fruiterer by the side of the road and I am feeling home. I am buying red grapes, my favourite summer fruits. Then taking dozens of sunset pictures and suddenly realising the new moon on the picture. After going through the opposite ends of cold and warm waters, I am getting to the end of the book and reading the back cover and feeling content. I am smiling slightly and feeling grateful for this road trip to south.

"İnsanlar yapabildikleri kadardır. Bir gökyüzü mavisinde, bir ovaya doğru ve doğru bir yerde açılan bir kitabın sayfası alışkanlıklardan uzak ve şaşırtan, beklenmedik bir kokuyla bırakabilir."