Over corrected decades

Starting the week by the pool, by warming up with few other swimmers. I know that I could have just skipped this workout and spend the time with few loved ones. But I feel like this ordinary workout is becoming where I draw my border. I feel like this is how I am expressing my prior disappointments by prioritising this replaceable and ordinary swim workout over a dinner with them. We are going through few warm up exercises and dry land practises by the pool. Heat is hitting me hard while I keep my sight at the setting sun, through the windows of the pool. How many workouts I have completed in this pool, I am wondering. Then I am gazing at the recreational pool, to the right. I am remembering the very first swim course that I took there, maybe three years back. All the fears and all the insecurities are appearing in front of my eyes. The instructor is showing few simple drills and I am failing to even float on the water, back then. Fast forward to now, I am being impatient to jump to the water as I am sweating from the core drills that we are doing. I am being amazed at one hand. I am appreciating myself, patting myself on the back for all the achievements all this time. On the other hand, some part of me is still reminding me my weaknesses. My current insecurities. I know that I will also ace them one day. I know that the insecurities I am feeling today, will become my strengths in the near future. But this part of me keeping reminding me all those still.

Why can I not just be, I am wondering. As myself, with the state that I am in today. Why there is this perspective on my head that is making myself feel deficient and lacking, I am wondering. Then I am remembering that if I am questioning something, there might be something happening there. Is it the case that I am questioning this because this part of me is not something that I want to keep in my life, moving forward, I am wondering. I want to feel content with the output that I am able to output. I want to feel safe, seen and heard even at my lowest. I want to feel okay without feeling the need to satisfy what is expected of me. At one hand, without this part of me that kept me pushing forward all this time, probably I would not have had the chance to ascend this much. On the other hand, I believe that I can still find a balance between overdoing it and not doing anything.

I think because of the many years of stress and feeling incompetent; I refuse to join a race. I want to refuse to be compared. I want to refuse those medals and hall of fames. I want to get in such a shape that I am able to complete all those race distances at any given weekend. I want to sharpen my mind in a way that I am able to complete distances at my own pace which I could not even imagine five years back. And that is more than enough. Because once again, I want to remember that triathlon is just a tool and I want to keep it going for as long as I can. For once, I do not want to overdo something. For once, I do not want to cover all my personality with this new field that I am discovering. I want to enjoy every season and every workout with passion.

I am going through maybe ten or dozen different questions on that Wednesday. It is feeling like everything has lost its meaning and I still need to continue. I am having that zoom fatigue and questioning my whole life. I am showing vulnerability and sending a strong signal to that crush a bit prematurely but feeling rejected. I am just letting it go by believing that what is meant for me will always find its way back to me. I am preparing to go to the pool but having that dilemma of what to wear as swim wear. I want to wear just the swim shorts but I am feeling like I am not that strong today. I should wear my zone3 suit, I am thinking to myself. But I feel like where is the workout then. How am I ever going to improve my technique if I get artificial help at every workout, I am asserting myself. Then splitting between letting go and pushing forward, I am pushing forward and wearing the swim shorts.

I am realizing that I am roaming in such a blurry area where I know that when there is a supervision, I am performing better. When I know that the instructor is watching, giving the drills and expecting me to follow them, I am pushing forward and I am improving. But on the other hand I do not want to feel stressed in the water either. I also want to just swim easy, laying on the water and extending at each stroke with my maximum mobility. Then I am seeing the point of balance. And how hard it is to find that balance when I am not supervised. Some days I need to be supervised. Some days I need to tell myself, today we need to get through this workout. I know that you are tired of pushing. I know that you just want to let it all go, forego everything and lose it all. I know that no one is cheering for you, even your parents not giving an attaboy. But you need to push one more workout forward. But you can take it easy next day, I am telling myself.

Then I am realizing that maybe it wasn't the high bars or mountain climbs which made me feel lacking. It was the people not recognising all my achievements so far. Yes we all know that there are mountain ranges, peaks that I can still climb but look at how far I have come. How much I have learnt, transformed and rewired my brain and body. Can we not just stop for a moment to acknowledge that without running to the next goal, I am wondering.

Then I am waking up on that sunny Sunday that I set few intentions to do brick workout or triathlon. I am wondering why do I always do something extraordinary when the weather is beautiful, days are longer. I could just relax instead, I am telling myself. I could just watch that movie that I wanted to see, go for an ice cream walk or watch the sunset, I am thinking. What is it that I am trying to run away from, what am I trying to cover up with all of this over corrections, I am wondering.

"And that is the meaning of the unity of saṃsāra and nirvāṇa. On the one hand, you let go of everything and you live in the eternal now, because that’s all there is. Because even what you’re remembering is happening in the present, the memory is in the eternal now, isn’t it? See? So it’s all really absolutely here. But, on the other hand, what fun to drag it out!

So, the thing is this: it’s just like riding a bicycle. It’s a balance trick. You suddenly find yourself falling over one way—well, you balance that: you turn into that direction and you stay up. And so, in the same way, when you find yourself becoming too attached to life, you correct that with the realization that there is nothing except the eternal now."
— Alan Watts