Liberty of acknowledgement

This week I am starting practicing a thirty day Yoga flow at my own pace. I am willing to complete this thirty day practice slightly altered to my preference because as much as l love Yoga and triathlon sports; I also love missing them. It reminds me of their importance and how much they uplift me.

After recovering from last weekend's workouts and making sure the symptoms of muscle fatigue are gone, I am setting my intentions for a captain Wednesday run. First run of the new year. I know it's the best day to run when it's dark, stormy and cold. It pushes me even more to get out there and surrender to the amazing forces of the nature. It reminds me that, whatever mental challenge I am having that day, I can let it go with the wind, with a cold rain showers and with my every single step.

This time, I am running with wind gusts that are very strong. At some points, I am feeling the need to look down, take one more step and focus on my running technique and focus on my pulsation by regulating my breathing. It reminds me that this day and all its contents are too temporary.

Ever since I've known myself, I felt the sensation of a burning from within. For a very long time, I was not able to learn the ways to transform it. I did not know how to handle it either. As one can imagine, this caused me major issues both internally and externally. After many years, changing three maybe four cities, I was constantly finding myself at that point where I was not enough. Not enough for myself and for my parents' bar.

I don't exactly remember when my first Yoga practice was. However I remember that it had a different touch on me. There I was, at a studio starting the practice with the instructor who was telling me to observe my state.

I was not used to this way of thinking before. She was telling to spend one more minute thinking about whatever was rushing to my mind and all the incomplete things from the day. And then let it go with a breath. She was telling me to observe how I was feeling that day. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Never did I realize these three layers of existence of myself before. And then what made me think Yoga was an exercise for me was when she said, don't make any judgements, just observe and acknowledge.

Acknowledging that I was exhausted that day had an effect that was like ending a war on me. It was like surrendering with a white flag to the whatever might happen next. It was like letting it all go and accepting myself with a compassion. Truly, I was a stranger to this value. I did not know how to have compassion towards myself before. All I knew was rushing, meeting deadlines, pushing my scores and competing with people around me. After all, surrendering to the fact that I was literally exhausted was so powerful.

It made me realize all the wars I have been fighting without knowing why I was fighting. At every pose of the practice, it reminded me which muscles had been carrying me the most. After a practice I almost wanted to apologise from my lumbar muscles after feeling a massive relief there.

Now that I am looking back, I think that every day that I acknowledged myself as I was without judgement, I kept healing. I allowed my body to patch its wounds slowly, at every breath from all these years of consumption.

Probably one of the best words that resonates with my character is the word, voyager. I love being on the road, whether it's by a car, bike or walking even. I love the uncertainty of being on the road. When my mind rushes with all the worst possible things that I might face on the road, I love the feeling of letting all my expectations go, by delegating it to my fate. I am just hoping to meet with people who carry good intentions, love, compassion and mercy in their hearts.

Here I am starting a new year, a year many might put significant value materialistically. But I am starting this year differently compared to previous ones. This year, I am acknowledging that I am practicing triathlon sports just as a hobby. I am not a professional athlete. I want to practice these sports twenty years from now too. I want to miss that feeling of hopping on my saddle when I am at a totally different city with different kinds of winds too. After feeling the healing in my heart, this time I want to live sustainably. I want to take care of myself as it's my first day in this world, I want to embrace the love as if it's my last day in this world.

In order to live sustainably I am letting go of all the expectations of myself from triathlon sports that are put in numbers. I want to focus on the feeling, the enjoyment and the challenge rather than the pace or any other benchmarking metric. In order to live gracefully, I am setting my intentions to change when I face things that I cannot change. I want to choose to not get offended or hurt. Because after all, I know that it's my perspective that's making me think to get hurt from some things that can be worked around.

"Be aware of yourself as you are, without judgement. See what is. You have no further problem. The most important thing is self remembering."  
— Alan Watts & Jiddu Krishnamurti