Gratitude of void

Little did I know what I was walking into when I woke up from my afternoon sleep. Clearly I was tired from my mental health walk and the biking ride that I did earlier. It was a cold day too. I did not want to go out that day but I left my apartment with an intention to just to change my scenery. The whole night was like a movie scene with three parts from my eyes. The part where we had few drinks, listened to the live band and had casual chat with my friends. The part when I met with her and spent some time together and the part when I was sunk into this upbeat energy.

The way I felt was a unique feeling and that's what kept me moving. After considering maybe a dozen of parameters, I decided to share what I felt through the whole night with her. Probably she did too. After all, apparently things were not mutual. Then I thought probably I read some signals incorrectly. After exchanging few messages the next day, she just didn't want to get to know each other better. Then I acknowledged the situation and started my internal process. First I felt bitter naturally. I almost did not believe this decision and wanted to object. Then I reminded myself one simple rule, if it's not meant to be; forcing it will only hurt. It will never heal.

That day I literally had to push myself go to the swimming pool for my lesson. I was at the local minima of this temporary story. I knew that I was going to forget this, heal from this too soon. I just had to process it, normalise it and in order to process it at one point I even thought of doing a triathlon in one day. Then again, I reminded myself to focus on the technique and finish one workout properly instead of draining what's left of my energy. After all, probably it was going to take me some few more workouts to forget those dark brown eyes.

I always thought I could only feel gratitude when I have an abundance of things. I thought we only felt grateful just becuase it was taught to be the better thing. I never understood the meaning of it. Just like many other concepts that I had to fill their meanings, I also had to learn the meaning of gratitude from the steep way. I knew I wanted to grow and improve my techniques from few different dimensions. But when I was setting my intention for growing, I did not see the challenge coming my way.

I started this week a bit of on the lower end. However, the negative winds this week blew towards my way did not end there. Wherever I looked, I faced yet another negativity and hatred in the following days. And that's when I started my Monday run. I knew that this week was going to be a long one. But I was trained for this and it was now time to endure through the winds of winter. Because now I know that I need my routine workouts the most when I feel like I am at the lowest. So after acknowledging how the week started and what I went through, I reminded myself to stay calm and focus on my next workout. In those first 48 hours of the week I used some primary tools of my toolbox to cope with all this negative emotional state. It was like as if all the external and internal factors were aligned on this windy climate.

It was just one of those weeks where I missed a calm and peaceful environment. And that's when I remember my intentions and the importance of that peaceful climate. When the dark shades of myself become prominent, I use lots of energy to cope and survive with those. Everytime this happens I remind myself one simple thing. It was me who wanted to change in the beginning. It was me who realized change was only possible by changing my behaviours. And yet again it was me who knew changing behaviours was only possible by realizing things to improve on. And in order to realize things to improve on, I had to confront with these bad weathers and rejections. In order to experience these all kinds of weathers, I had to let go of my expectations and host whatever feelings come my way. And that's when I felt gratitude towards the absence of the peace in my life this week; for teaching me the value of it, for polishing me and for keeping my momentum ongoing despite everything.

Eksikliğini en derinden hissettiğim şeylere de şükürler olsun. Ömrümü törpüleyen şu uçsuz bucaksız evrenlere de, içinde karşıma çıkanlara da. Suratımı asmak istesem de her şeye rağmen bu hayatı sevmeye de. Bilmediğim, adını koyamadığım ne çok duygu varmış!

Asıl mental dirayet en anlaşılmaz halleri hoş görürken, asıl endürans en aksi günleri hayat boyu göğüslerken, asıl esneklik en olağan dışı iklimlerde yürürken gerekiyormuş. Bir nefes daha alabilmeye de şükürler olsun.