Gliding wills

Tracking the forecasts, taking dozens of screenshots, checking cloud reports. Finally grabbing a water bottle, picking up my tripod, grabbing the car keys and the wheels starting to turn. The voices in my head starting to settle down a bit and I am feeling calm. I am going through cities, villages and finally arriving the parking spot that I will settle for the night and as soon as I am stepping outside I am feeling amazed. My eyes are barely selecting few other cars in the dark and I am gazing through the sky and northern horizon. A meteroit is flying by leaving a white brightness behind, I am wishing calmness in my heart. Starting to take photos of the sky and feeling bittersweet. I am finding it hard to get through that phone call earlier that day, and a letter is haunting me. Somethings are becoming clearer but I am hurting deep down. How long must I deny this grief in my heart, I am thinking to myself. For how long do I need to wait, with a hope to heal from all the past while I am trying to stay awake and relaxed. I am taking more photos, taking few sips of water and capturing the gliding meteroits in few of them.

Time is passing midnight, the weather is feeling cool and I am feeling excited. The northern lights starting to appear from the horizon and I am shedding drops of few tears. Thinking about all the nights I attempted to capture the northern lights this much south. Taking many photos and in some of them I am capturing the pink sky with perseid shower. I wasn't crazy at all, thinking that I can capture northern lights at 50-52 latitudes at long summer nights, I am thinking to myself. It's still feeling surreal to me that at twenty degrees celcius temperature I am being able to see the sky glow. All this past months of Aurora hunting is sufficing to sparkle my passion for photography again and I am feeling thankful one more time. I feel like some photos are depicting my feelings really well and I am thinking maybe I can use it to transform some of the heavyweighted stuff that are on my shoulders. After spending a good three hours on the field, taking hundreds of photos, I am calling it a night around 4am in the morning and the activity is still ongoing a bit up north. The dusk is going to arrive in an hour and I am reaching home with a mixed state.

I am going through the day with a different state of feelings. I am feeling happy and content. I am feeling strong that I had the courage to write that letter. It was a really tough and courageous thing to express my feelings this much brave for the first time and hopefully for the last time. They were alive, they heard my pain and now I expressed myself entirely, my grief, my pain and my denial. Then I am going out for a coffee walk and listening the same songs on repeat on a sunny Monday afternoon. Thinking how much of an effort it takes to do astrophotography and once again realizing the difficulties of this field. Then I am remembering the balance and adequateness, that I can try to have. I don't have to go all the way deep into the rabbit hole I am thinking to myself but I can keep it as part of my toolbox as a transformation tool. Street photography, taking photos while on the bike, sky and landscape photography and astrophotography, all sound amazingly attractive to me that day and I am remembering that, the only thing I need to find more of is, passion.

My soul is becoming really heavy during this kind of weeks where I go through lots of unknowns, unclarity and hopelessness. I am remembering that all of these will be left behind soon but I just find it a bit more difficult to embrace some days. After hunting Aurora for two consecutive days and spending the night out in the dark, it's taking few more days to recover on my sleep routine. And finally I am going out for a captain wednesday run on a cloudy evening. It is making me realize that I am already missing the winter time, thermal clothing, minus degrees and dark nights. I am remembering all the tools that are at my disposal and feeling thankful to that. It is okay to use one or the other as my needs change across seasons I am thinking to myself. Finishing the run with a band aid on my toe, thinking that I still need probably another fifty to sixty kilometers in this shoe to get my feet used to it until the next big event.

Then I am sitting on the yoga mat after all. I am telling to myself that this is what I needed for a long time and going through that relief with my entire body. Why is it so hard to go inside some days, I am thinking to myself. It is so easy to postpone and forget the most important needs of the body and the mind sometimes. That is reminding the parts of my life where I am still missing a good balance. I am thinking every single responsibility, desire and need of myself and finding it unsettling for a moment and then letting it all go with another breathe out. I am going to get there, I am thinking to myself. But I need to accept and include all parts of myself today, thinking silently. No matter where I end up at the end of this journey, I can still go to a new climb, accept the uncertainty, and follow the lead. I am remembering the last time when I felt this much lost. When I felt unease and terrified.

This week I am feeling like I rewatched a past version of my life all over again, felt the darkness in myself covering my presence. This week I am feeling some of my fears from past when I was alone out in the field at a night. This week many things are resurfacing from the past that are triggering complex set of emotions. But this week, once again I am finding a slight gloom of hope in the glowing sky at a dark night sky.

"In this moment I choose my healing. In this moment I choose ending. In this moment I choose my beginning, I let go of what doesn’t serve me. I release what hurt me. I am thankful for experiences that taught me. Physical illusions I am letting go. Pain is not mine to hold. Judgement is not mine to own. Peace is what I know. The past does not define me. I am love, I am forgiving. I am overcoming."