Full circles

Constantly finding myself gazing at the sky, regardless of time of the day. Blue skies, golden hours, pastel sunsets or moon rises over the horizon. Cannot help but take a picture of those moments. I feel like they are just so beautiful to not to capture. Certain times, I am finding it intriguing to invest into astrophotography equipments. Planets, moon shots, astrophotography in general. I am also starting my early days with some moon photos over the last week. It looks like something that is obvious and that can be seen by anyone. Unlike many other things.

I am taking the picture of the half moon over the sky and preparing for a run on that early Thursday morning. It feels different. I feel tired and a bit anxious. Then I am waking up and stretching for a while. Trying to decide which shoes to pick up. Then realising how much easier it was when I didn't know all these details. When I was just going out without even thinking about my running gear, shoe or shirt. It is hitting me hard when I look back and see how much I didn't know about running, triathlon or myself. Now I feel like I need to think about twenty different details.

I feel like the more I learnt, the slower I become. Every realization became a weight that I needed to take into account until I can process and digest them. I feel like at some point, some of the difficult things will become no brainer rituals that used to be really challenging. It is just taking a lot of time and dedication. I get tired, I get angry and go through many different emotions and feelings. And that is part of the suffering journey, I am telling myself.

Then I am finding myself in the position that I am trying to convince myself to go to the pool. I know that I am really tired from the morning run. But on the other hand, it's a beautiful day outside. Though I feel like my brain melted at the work with intense things. With so many back and forths over the course of maybe two hours, finally I am pushing myself out and hopping onto the bike. Cycling to the olympic open pool in the neighborhood. I am already feeling hesitant about why I did even go out. I don't think I will be able to complete that kilometer, I am thinking to myself.

Then entering the pool and starting my first stroke. I feel drained. As if I don't have enough will power or physical energy. That thought is making me focus even more on my swimming technique. I am keeping my head low and a good catch with high elbow. One thing I like about open pool workouts is that it's allowing me feel the wind and air when I take my stroke out. And that is signaling me how much I am losing energy while dragging my hand outside the water. Then I am focusing on directly pushing my hand into the water after the push phase. That way I am not making a block stroke with really open arms.

I am extending to the front and I am rotating. Oh boy, I totally forgot that we rotate in the water, I am telling myself. Then I am feeling the water. There is something today, in the water, I am thinking to myself. It feels different. Whether it's the temperature or something else, it doesn't feel resistant. Then I am remembering that water just reflects my mood transparently. I am pushing one more stroke to front and I can already see how much I let my front arms become loose after the push phase. Just entering the water smoothly, extending, closing my fingers, rotating from the shoulders and pushing back. Only with swimming shorts, I am not believing how smooth I am swimming that day.

I am opening my eyes for an early morning ride and taking another moon shot. It looks beautiful, I am telling myself. Moon doesn't have moods, I am thinking. The sky doesn't have feelings. It's a blue sky, sun is rising from the horizon. Moon is about to set. But the sky, or the planet doesn't know all the perceptions and perspectives that I put onto this life. It doesn't know it's a Friday, it doesn't know all my moods and how unbearable it is, I feel some days. Such a beautiful thing, that is I am thinking to myself. I feel the emptiness inside me the most on those early morning cardio workouts.

Then starting my voyage on the road, sun is starting to make me feel its brightness. I am thinking about this route. How many times I have turned it over and over again. Clockwise and anti clockwise. All the meanings I put into it. All the people that used to be in my life while I was doing all those workouts and all the sunsets, middays and sunrises. All the photos and personal bests. All of that, has past and now I am voyaging one more time, I am thinking to myself. None of them mattered but they were important to bring me to today. To the state that I am feeling that self confidence.

I am feeling that self confidence but I am also feeling like I am lost. I see many climbs in front of me. I feel like I want to reject some of my responsibilities some days. Some days, I feel really bored and other days I just want to swim for hours. But in the end, I am again asking those question to myself, what is it that I need the most today. What is it that I am trying to make up for. What is it that I am feeling the need of, the most today.

"Bir gün gelir, bir gün geçer mi dersin, içimdeki daimi sorular?"