Forecasting oneself

Then I find myself cycling in the streets of my neighbourhood in the city I was raised as a kid. It's so strong that I can't get out of the loop that's playing in my head. It's like it's taking me to a tour of dozens of memories over and over again. Couple of hours later, this time I find myself travelling within a rusty bus on a sunny Sunday afternoon in my hometown. There's only few passengers and the bus driver seems bored. We are going very slowly to this voyage of maybe half an hour. I suddenly realize that I am again not present in the moment.

When I realize that the day has been passing in some kind of autonomous mode where I am not in the control; I immediately get the urge to return to now. Those days feels like I am awake physically but I am still sleeping mentally. It usually takes me some time before I realize I am drowning in the multi layered memories of my daydreams. Sometimes they are subtle, just playing in the background and sometimes they are as vivid as they can ever get. In these days, I feel the need for a forecast ritual once more. A ritual where I can reflect on my inner state.

Then I lay my Yoga mat down and start a new practise to understand how I am doing that day. When looked from this perspective, Yoga adds a new value to my sports instruments. It's bringing me to the reality that my body is in both physically and mentally. In the first couple of minutes of the exercise, lots and lots of thoughts rush through my mind. Then comes an acknowledgement of the mixed state and I set myself free for one more day.

For the past few years, I learnt that I have countless amount of emotional states. Some of them I cannot even name. Best I can do is to describe them, talk about them and express how that state makes me feel. When I am in an adequate state, the day usually goes smooth without me realizing it. However, I oftentimes find myself in a challenging state where I feel lots of emotions, feelings and regrets. If I don't realize this kind of state early in the morning, it can easily cascade during the day with micro aggressions and misfortunes. Because I want to act with thinking, not with urges; I start searching for a way to understand my inner state for this kind of days.

Then I realize even the smallest interactions of the humankind is perhaps built on some form of forecasting ritual. I realize all the possible answers I could give to the question of "How are you?". I begin to appreciate how it prompts the correspondent to think about how they are doing that day and acknowledge their condition. Of course most of the times we ask this question rhetorically but it makes me think of some form of ritual. So far, one of the best ways to internalise and acknowledge my physical, emotional and mental states have been through a swimming workout or a Yoga practise.

Once I realize the importance of this tool, I start to think about how forecasting myself and the person I am interacting with makes my communication style much easier and personalised. Especially during those days when it's all negative and I still need to receive an hour of feedback from my swimming instructor. Realizing both my state and my instructor's state helps me a lot to not take everything personally and filter out the bits that are not going to help me that day. Then I start to realize the need of an abstract forecast ritual where it's independent of the season, my wellbeing, my abilities or my access to certain sports.

Then I let this search go by delegating it to my fate once more. Because I know that as long as I set my intentions for understanding myself better every single day, my fate will somehow present me small or big opportunities for me to learn and grow. I know that even being able to acknowledging my state without judging it or trying to transform it is a big reason for me to be grateful, after all. After spending years fighting with my states, I can't express enough my gratitude for having this kind of tool in my toolbox.

At the start of the week, I am finding myself at a very greedy state where I want to go for a run and let it all out. I know that I am tired, receiving mixed signals from my knees and still sore from yesterday's swim. After an hour of indecisiveness I choose the correct exercise for that day for me and start my Yoga practise. I feel a huge relief in my lower back and feel much calmer afterwards. When I start feeling that pain around my knees, I return back to my pelvic and tensor fasciae latae muscles to relief tightness with my foam roller.

Then couple of days later, I go for that running workout on Thursday. I already start feeling the excitement when I start wearing my running clothes. I leave everything behind and just take my headphones with me to the cold, dark and snowy evening of Amsterdam. Soon after I start running, it starts snowing with a strong showers. I feel so grateful for the snow that is pouring to my face after all. I feel alive and moving. Regardless of all the complicated states I found myself in during the day and the week, I am once again feeling the gratitude in my veins for stepping one more time to front and breathing one more time in.

"But that you are this universe. And you are creating it. At every moment. Because you see, it starts now."
— Alan Watts