Fluctuant sights

The music stops suddenly and I hear the sound of the turntable's needle traversing the vinyl's end. That was a good album I think to myself while I gaze over the counter to distance. Then I hear the sound of beans getting grinded. Looking at the lightly roasted Hunkute beans, I feel that inner peace momentarily despite having dozens of uncertainties. Then she starts pouring the water over the chemex and the smell of the brewing coffee already pulsates my heart. She retrieves two elegant but heavy glasses, fills almost half of both and smiles at me. I take a sip and my heart rate elevates as the blues song playing in the background.

Throughout this week, I am feeling those elevated feelings. They have some kind of inner burning sensation effect on me. I feel excited without any reason. I get filled with lots of expectations. Then I try to let go and acknowledge the states I am in. To liberate myself from anxiety. I think to myself that everything is going to be alright and I sigh. I am going through many workouts, some painful ones as the physiotherapy session. I am slowly adjusting to this new workout routine but still taking it slow. My coach is pinging me for the workouts I couldn't complete and I set my intentions one more time. While I am still trying to ingest what I just went through the week before. At one hand I feel the impulses that makes me want to book a flight ticket and at other hand I am searching for a new therapist.

I am going through lots of emotions this week. A little bit of peace and serenity, some anxiety and disappointment, a handful amount of hapiness and laughter. Every day is bringing something different and I surf through them with just one goal in mind, getting through the day. That is bringing me a new realization that no matter how full of life people might look from the outside, everyone is coping with some challenge internally. And everyone is just trying their best. I find that beautiful because it assumes the best of anyone. Out of all the things my mind is trying to make me assume, assuming the good in people requires a mental strength. I think it represents a powerful mind.

When I realize how I changed some behavioral patterns of mine over the years, it's giving me self confidence. Even though I have gone through some breakups this year, that urge to open up and ask for more help is giving me endurance. It is bitter I think to myself, but there are people who I can talk to. They approach to me thankfully. This week I am feeling grateful to that that I am surrounding myself with people who are trying to give and help. Throughout this story I am trying to narrate, I filtered out many people, sometimes based on just how they made me feel. And after all that hurtful and challenging road, feeling of sense of belonging to few people becomes invaluable. They guide me, listen to me and tell their own experience and most importantly they show up.

The more I talk and tell the story of what happened in the previous week, the more I process it. Looking back, I think still I am feeling the disappointment coming from the distrust. The person I met three years back and grew was definitely different from the person I separated from I think to myself. Or there is also that possibility of me changing over the years. I think one thing that didn't change over all those seasons of winter and summer was the integrity and assertion. This week I am feeling thankful to those two for being my north star in that dark night. I learnt most of the things about therapy from that partnership and in a sense, me questioning the relationship was the healty response from me. In the end I was expecting the carrying pillars of a safe relationship, transparency, honesty and acceptance.

Another thing that gave me self confidence in this challenging week was that I knew I wanted to keep walking this road. Losing a voyage partner didn't discourage me. Maybe it even clinched my determination. I don't know which lands the road will take me to next, but I know that as long as I stay in the road I will keep building up my story with things I cultivate within my life at this time. During this week, with these thoughts I feel liberated at certain moments too. What's making my eyes wet is that feeling of choosing submission to the fate after seeing something hurtful. And still choosing to be kind after facing the harsh climates. I think that's what I have been training for all these years, I think to myself. In the presence of confrontational moments, I am feeling thankful for that calmness too.

I am also taking those risks again and again. I am telling myself that yes I am feeling that pain and fear that it might bring me more disappointment. It might show me the coldest faces of the dull emotions. It might neglect my compassion and love, that is possible. But none of these would substract anything from my values. If that is the case, let it be, I tell to myself. I am feeling confident enough that, for the things I get attracted, I have built a balanced will power to know when to invest and when to wait at the borders of my heart for their next step towards me. I am also feeling thankful this week for that courage to live through all my emotions openly. I am feeling gratitude to that realization that now I know how I want to continue my voyage. It can be with an open heart and with an open mind when it's possible.

For the first time in few years, I am feeling that courage to go up and down through what this breeze of attraction brings. And I find that beautiful. If I have worked enough to build those filters, perspectives and layers of beautiful colors, I should trust my instincts a little too, I think to myself. This week, I am also feeling gratitude towards that level of authenticity I built around my soul. After living my emotions openly, I think now it's beyond my control and that's where I find my peace. Because I have seen, I have felt and I have lived.

I am ending the week a little tired, a little bit hopeful and a bit grateful. Once again, I am feeling that gratitude for the people who has entered my life, left my life and chose to stay in my life. This week, I am delegating the control to my fate and setting my intentions to continue my mental, physical and emotional workouts in the upcoming winter. I hope I can acknowledge and change myself smoothly in the presence of heavy realizations I might run into in this season.