Everlasting probes

Travelling across the Anatolian roads persisted as a core memory when I was growing up. We used to travel back and forth between two tiny cities of Anatolia usually during the summer time which was usually taking around eight hours. If I could define these trips in one word I would choose uncertainty. It was feeling unease when we were starting the trip with bringing in the luggages to the car. Starting with listening to some music on the old '90s cassettes. When I think about these journeys spreading into the late '90s and early '00s, I feel like I have inherited the search for home and belonging. It is a theme and the tension in the air in between two apartments that are hundreds of kilometers apart, yet none feels safe enough to root emotionally. Of course the good old Turkish drama accompanied us to each of these journeys.

I tried to live with many and varied kinds of uncertainty in my life at very different times. Sometimes it was an upcoming exam and at other times it was a major life changing event for the family. However the uncertainty of a potential conflict that could happen and the tension between the family members was a kind of challenge that I cannot find words to describe. Also having gone through these repeatedly over the course of many years marks a tattoo at one's heart so powerful that it alters the ways they bond, connect and eventually love. Some thinking paths become almost inaccessible and worst of all, there is no way to explain the kind of stain this leaves on the soul. Enduring through one hundred and one different types of problems and issues over many years feels like it is enough of drama for at least a couple of lifetimes.

In the essence of all of this, lies a simple search I discovered. A search for belonging. A sense of attachment with rooted cores. A strong desire to feel safe, sound and heard. I think the existence of such desire to find a home tells a lot about somebody. Because I think for somebody who feels home wouldn't have that kind of urge. I also think that the ones are given such safe homes naturally are the richest people on earth on a different dimension of wealth. For the rest, I think one builds a home with what they are given. First creating long lasting memories with people who makes them feel seen, heard and understood. Anything and everything can be talked calmly and it cultivates a regulated nervous system. Looks like there is a formula then, one might think. Though, without the nourishing relationships and a bit of luck, having the theory is merely a byproduct of an overthinking.

When it all settles in, travelling to search a home at another city also doesn't feel safe anymore. Thinking about more than couple of dozens of travel across the world, all those cities feel equally cold and distant including the ones I lived in. I think again those memories and the people in the houses made those cities feel like home. What a way to spend the temporal lifetime, searching for a home.

The problem in this thinking that I find is that, once one reaches to the locations, people and moments that feels like home, the feeling of being wearied by travelling brings a rather crusty wind. It almost resonates with the sentiment that the love that arrives behind of its time doesn't feel warm anymore. Like the justice that arrives later than it was supposed to. All that pain and suffering during the voyage marks another permanent mark on the soul.

When the hopes of finding that chosen family and people starts to decay, it brings a rush of many mixed emotions. Thankfully I learnt unpacking layers of feelings effectively during my studies in this road. When the despair arrived, I found my liberty in believing that when I make the environment around me safe enough for me to be as I am, that's what matters. So long as I don't have to act or play personas in changing environments I felt precipitated. As I discovered different ways to make others around me feel safe I felt at home. When I saw that they can show vulnerability around me and be open, I felt that it was the kind of environment where I could build strong foundations.

The very thought of creating a safe environment and choosing another family carries a heavyweight. It is very subtle but in the eyes of some people I can see that exhaustion. Because I think humans are not meant to survive like this. The chain-breakers, people who revolt, people who challenge the status-quo and don't sanctify dogmas, they are compelled to endure a voyage of solitude in the world we live in. Mainly because they are the bar-raisers. They enforce people around them to step up for others, protect the vulnerable and be accountable for the kind of actions they demonstrate. In short, the ones who first embrace the culture clash of different generations.

In that sense, the other alternative of accepting the reality feels like going backwards and resembles the obedience to me. Moving forward, unleashing personal and interpersonal advancements seems to be the only way to achieve the next generation of thinking. Building these mature relationships shouldn't require burning the house down, metaphorically, to finally rebuild that house. Carrying the heavyweight of grief everywhere, to every single relocation is cruel. In these dimensions, living with the self-doubt and sacrificing a much comfortable social circles for the sake of reaching that home is unmerciful. A sense of approval from the parents that kid looked up to, a tiny sense of self-approval that kid could have learnt to practice at early ages, would have avoided all these perhaps.

Nonetheless, no kid should endure this kind of life altering and mind bending voyage to somewhere that feels like home, alone. One should realise that they have arrived home after living a colourful, nutritious, supported life, rather than a life spent on trekking endless deserts and climbing steep mountains. Like in everything else, reaching home naturally without having to face the cold face of feeling abandoned, feels like a dream that can never be true. Perhaps it all started with a dream, after all.

"Fichte için das Sehnen, Ben özlemi, eğilim, ihtiyaç, sıkıntı, 'kendini doldurmak isteyen ama neyle olduğunu belirtmeyen' boşluk anlamına gelir."