Equilibrant perspectives

Starting another swim, in an early and humid morning. All conditions seem to be perfect, visibility in the water, temperature and depth. I am not pushing my hardest but trying to keep a good momentum. I am changing between strokes, going to breast stroke and feeling the current coming from the opposite direction. I am curving my neck into the water, laying at the streamline position, stroking my legs and sitting back up with a strong arms stroke. After a while it is starting to balance with the waves' and I feel like I am not fighting anymore. I am not realizing at that moment, but probably I am burning the last endurance left on my body on this no breakfast swim.

I am feeling unease that day. Feeling a bit tired, a bit indecisive. Those days, I can feel the resistance in the air. When it doesn't flow, or I don't flow. It is hard to describe that feeling but when it becomes prominent, I can tell. If I have access to the neutral perspectives, I am able to slow down on those days. On one hand it feels irrational to act on such feelings but on the other hand; when things don't flow, I really don't like enforcing them. If I have to force something, that simply doesn't belong to me. When things happen naturally and smoothly, that's where I want to be. With those thoughts, I am stepping into the water once more. This time not taking my watch and just swimming without any goal on my mind. Practising many things that I have learnt over the past few years and feeling that comfort in the water.

Then sleeping through a lunch time, one of those siestas. Many thoughts are rushing through my mind, feeling that weakness on my body and thinking maybe I am getting sick. And finding it difficult to adjust to changing temperatures, outside and inside the water. Trying to eat few things but it feels like I am forcing myself to eat, again. Then going for a sunset road trip to the northern part of the island. Going through many hilly parts, being amazed by the mountain tops and views of the bays with green and turquoise colours, taking few photos. Setting the sun on a small town, chasing the rising moon during the golden hour. Finding the peace while walking past a restaurant, I am turning my head to the right and immediately my jaws are dropping. I am looking through a hallway, where in the end of the hallway sun is setting and sea is seen. There are few stairs down to the restaurant where sunshades are open. There is a bench on the left hand side in the hallway and there are silhouettes of the people in the horizon. There is only thing missing in this photo I am thinking to myself.

Then my symptoms are getting worse and I am going back and forth between the thoughts of that I am either food poisoned, getting sick or just too tired. Or all of them. That's possible, I am thinking to myself. And it is getting slightly worse over the next couple of days. I am enduring quite a bit of muscle pain and resting up. Thinking about that balance, that I lost again. I wonder for how long, now I am going to be away from the sports schedule, I am thinking to myself. Then ending up many pessimistic perspectives, trying not to hold on for long periods of time. Trying to let go, not think about things that makes me feel I am insecure and unconfident. I am getting challenged by my therapist on many different topics and it becomes so attractive to be fragile, instead of confronting few realities. In the presence of situations where it is difficult to confront, I am finding my peace on accepting that this will pass too.

I am thinking about that fragility. Whether it can be a coping mechanism towards the things that I don't want to acknowledge or admit, I am thinking to myself. Could it be that I always find a corner to escape to in the midst of all these mental knots that I found myself at. There is always an excuse, thinking pattern and reason to justify my behavior for some reason. For once, I can think about calming down, creating a healthy schedule, balanced lifestyle, I am thinking to myself. My sleep schedule, sports schedule, nutrition schedule, my psychological stability, my social belonging and my relationships. I think it is time to reconsider all of it and set a new intention for the upcoming week, I am finding as the right thing to do. The more I postpone the recovery, the slower I become and the more I skip the rest days, the more I get bored. There must be a balance that I need, not too much, not too little. A good balance of strength training, endurance training and mobility training. I need to redistribute those ten-ish hour of workout per week, I am thinking to myself.

I am finding it difficult to cope with many challenging perspectives while I am sick. Then I am realizing that I am moving forward with a hope that there might things that I can still accept and there might be things that I can still change. Some days it is very difficult to hear some realities from someone who I want to trust and let myself fall into their arms. I am trying to resist to that urge to block their attempt to help me. That day I am feeling weak but somehow I am managing to get through it. Then I am setting my intentions for a yoga practise, to get it all going again. Like always, seasons coming and seasons passing. Sometimes I am getting faster, working out for weeks non stop and then sometimes I am stopping and reflecting with my body and mind. With that, I am putting this week and all its contents behind, setting one more intention with one more fresh breath.