Beyond the contour

Uncertainties have always been a part of my life ever since I've known myself. After making a tough decision, living with the uncertainty for a very long time has been really challenging on the other hand. Peaks of the self doubt and the path towards answering some of the toughest questions of my life, that was what the past two years were mainly about. During this time, I practised my gratitude rituals consistently for my mental wealth. However also during this time, I have watched some of the carrying pillars of my thinking system falling apart. I wasted so much energy and resources at times that I worked so hard to hoard at first place. Everything has come full circle and some things became more visibly meaningful.

Apart from my rituals, triathlon sports and chasing astronomy photography - mainly northern lights hunting - were the big themes that weighted heavily on my life over this period. I learnt tons of things, sometimes the hardest way, met more than couple of dozens people, some had positive impact and some left when the time arrived. I never thought of the triathlon sports as a temporary tool until very recently. Actually, I was meaning to keep them in the long term as a constant in my life. Though, life always had its own way of reminding me the needed balance, sometimes in a gentle sometimes in a very hostile way. During those times, keeping acceptance as the first reflex was mostly difficult for me. But the more I slowed down, the more I realized things and the lack of balance.

Thinking of triathlon sports as a tool has occurred to me at times. But when I look back, the majority of times it appeared as an escape mechanism. It was somewhat a healthy escape mechanism perhaps. But some mistakes also costed greatly. Looking back to the deserts and the valleys I started this voyage, it was a meritorious company nonetheless. It helped me voyage a lifetime of mileage and climb the altitudes that I was once afraid of. It was a very effective tool when transforming things that were keeping me back, into the energy that kept me enduring. And I needed that deeply. But in life, every season comes with its requirements and needs - that is something to remember.

Finding the liberty was not easy, especially when the tough times arrived. That I was worried of, whether because of abandonment anxieties or fears of losing the tools I possessed. The sheer amount of insecurity that some parts of my thinking made me experience in my life until this point was not easy to welcome. That urged me to think comprehensively to keep my tool arsenal diversified for the winter times. I think I was able to gather quite a spectrum of good colours or sweep some of the monochromes away. But I kept wondering a mind that had a lesser dependency to different tools and can operate more consciously without a constant need of regulation. That is a mountain of its own that I am not so sure of climbing though. Feels like finding a valley beneath it to hike, might be good for a change.

Simplest things requiring the most thinking behind building it, amazed me during this period of my time. I kept imagining the Mosè di Michelangelo and the amount of detail went into creating it. The guiding venus star - even when the sky was too cloudy to gaze at it - for me was that thinking that there might be another perspective which might make it easier for me to comprehend or accept the condition of reality that I was facing. That oftentimes brought many side effects with it. Under heavy observation and sterile thinking atmospheres with the therapist, I was able to rasp that sculpture that I was given to some extent. But when to stop polishing those thinking systems, that keeps its mystery for me. Then the balance of thinking versus living the small moments of life was the ointment to that.

I think I did not live long enough in the nature to experience that sensation during the change of the seasons. I believe I would ace that, on noticing the behaviours of the nature, whether it might be a softer touch of the wind or other subtle changes in the environment. In that sense, I think keeping an insight for the changing seasons of oneself is important. Perhaps some of the realizations are not new at this time. That realization itself felt like going in spirals at times. However between the last time I reached that realization and now, were many experiences that clinched it at deeper layers of my perception. Like in nature, seasons do not cherish ahead of their time, in life too - I guess. Once reaching that comprehension, the best thing to do is to trust I believe. Trusting my insight and trusting all the experiences that brought me to this very new season. And all its contents.

It all started with breaking the cycles. Looking back, I never was certain of what comes next. Perhaps, I was even more shortsighted and captivated by vicious cycles of my unconsciousness back then. Now looking at all the distant trails from my window up in the highlands, I feel that breakpoint is approaching once more. Many things have decayed internally and externally meanwhile. But it will all come to a few thoughtful decisions made in the end. The conditions will never be perfect and I will keep voyaging no matter what comes next.

After I drafted the first version of this letter, I intended to write it at least a dozen times. In different climates, changing countries and various seasons. After all, I am content with finishing it off now, now that I am sailing in deeper and cleaner waters. I guess everything has its time and place in this reality - like this letter of its very own.

Once again, I have a fuzzy vision about this next season but I have a pure aesthesis about it. And actualising the unclarities is what I practised all along.

"Buldum! Neyi? – Sonsuzluğu. Güneşle beraber başını alıp giden denizmiş meğer."

– Arthur Rimbaud