Decaying hopes

I am feeling that nonchalance in my whole being. It seems like I am going through a downhill this week. All the desires and tension I built towards some point, hit its peak and now declining with the reality.

Sometimes I think to myself that there might be a perspective in which the life would be more bearable. For all the times I am not able to access that perspective I feel like I am living a life that is harder than it's supposed to be. To picture it, sometimes I imagine myself getting my tooth removed without any morphine. That's how I'm feeling when I'm trying to endure through some days in my life. This week I think I want to just confront all and everything as is. There are many thinking systems that I can switch to. To find that energy to start that next day, I can build more expectations towards different hopes that things will be different some day. That I will find my people. How I will look back and be thankful for all the times I endured. When everything will make sense. Where I feel like I belong.

This week I am just facing all my emotions without any sugar coating. I'm not feeling that much gratitude through this week. I'm resonating more with the absence of the things that I miss in my life.

I feel like I am getting crushed under the heavy feeling of all the revolts I have done. All the times I stayed stubborn, all the times I didn't settle. Every time I raised the bar and expected a higher self from myself and from the people all around me. There was an easier way to adapt to some norms and live with a smoother mindset. But it was just already too late to reach to that mindset after all. I couldn't even if I wanted to.

While talking through the heavy feelings, my eyes get wet. Oh how soothing would that be I think to myself. But I keep talking cold blooded. About how things could have been different. What kind of dreams I had and how much of a naive heart I carried. It's been an amazing journey, I tell to myself. So many lands and universes I've come through. But I feel like it's gone. The excitement isn't there anymore. It just seems like a road with no curves, no ups and downs, no inns near the road. I feel that urge to change more fundamental things in my life. I'm questioning why I am doing all this then. Then I think of it and it still makes sense and there is a love towards the things I am doing. But the spark is gone. Then I start to wonder how I am going to endure the upcoming winter.

All this scattered thoughts reflect to my outer world too. This week I am finding it hard to find that motivation to move. I'm missing few workout sessions, being late to a swim workout and refusing to sit down on that Yoga mat. I think this week I am withholding that negativity and consuming thoughts around me. I remember the heat it brought when I had to go through this kind of states before and I get a bit scared how calm I am able to talk about all of this.

I think if I could choose one thing to be grateful about this week, I would choose that. Even though it gets very stiff at times, the way I could get through these emotions with the ways I could process them, transform them and talk about them feels very comforting. Even though I walked at the borders of hope and despair this week, with all the negativity I found myself in, this might be my new chance to create that story in the way how I always wanted it to be.

At first I am finding it unfortunate to lose that excitement for moving further. Then I am discovering that I could find that excitement this time from scratch again. With new people, new tools and new workouts. I feel lost and I think I don't know where I want to go next but I trust myself that I could figure that out on the way. Because I always have figured it out. Just remembering all the investments I made towards my physical and mental wellbeing to reach this state.

As I walk forward, believing that things will get clearer gives hope. Believing that as I keep trusting the process and do the things I love, I will reach to the destination I always wanted to end up at, gives perseverance. Feeling that regardless of how my story shapes up, I have done everything I could in the past three years to become who I am, is just enough. This week was a bit messy, dark and all over the place but that's also okay and it's part of the journey.